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Amateur Review of the "Free - EKWB EK Anti-Stress Heart" by Richard Noggin


ArchStanton
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Disclosure:  I received the item in question as a free promotion related to the purchase of some additional water-cooling supplies from an online retailer.  I have not allowed this attempted bribery to color my opinions in the slightest.  I will be as biased and unfair as I feel inclined at any given moment.  Furthermore, those who lack the innate ability to detect poorly constructed satire should stop reading and consider blocking the author.

 

Normally I begin my reviews of a product with an "unboxing/packing section".  However, as this particular item effectively functioned as piece of packing foam for the items I ordered, I think I will skip that portion of the review and proceed directly to documenting my test apparatus, which suits me fine as I am not compensated on a "per word" basis.

 

Testing equipment:  Two relatively large and somewhat abused human hands that are accustomed to frequent and strenuous manual labor.

KIMG1351.thumb.JPG.1191342f4a0770dc8af1ee58f4048f14.JPG

KIMG1352.thumb.JPG.06ea8bcf222f77768220afad63c90442.JPG

 

If you've previously seen "Sin City", these are what Marv referred to as his "mitts".

 

The product itself is rather unpretentious.

KIMG1349.thumb.JPG.e7d834a91ec92209bd233a470879cbff.JPG

 

You may have noticed what appears to be a flaw in the outer casing, but that would be an incorrect assumption.  The port in question is actually a required feature for anyone who can't crack walnuts with their bare hands.

KIMG1350.thumb.JPG.95023d3ae21b26a0553c8aff1b1c2761.JPG

 

The port detailed in the above picture allows air to enter and leave the unit's interior when the product is being used in the manner intended by the manufacturer.  However, the foam from which the bulk of the item is constructed is of sufficient density that I find the product to have the opposite of the desired effect.  After squeezing it 5 times in as many seconds I found myself more stressed than when I began.

 

Obviously, I cannot recommend this product be used for its intended purpose since, for me, it had the opposite effect.  While receiving the product did not directly involve any fiduciary outlay by me, I feel that the design is sufficiently bad to justify a "Aww, hell naw" rating none the less.

 

Edits: for spelling and grammar

Edited by ArchStanton
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Fantastic. I would definitely like to see how you do an official review. Have you asked @ENTERPRISE? I think your detail and writing style would be perfect for a reviewer. 

 

P.S. You are in desperate need of:

 

OKEEFFESCOMPANY.COM

O'Keeffe's Working Hands Hand Cream is a moisturizer that heals, relieves, and repairs extremely dry, cracked hands. Guaranteed relief or your money back.

 

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This certainly gave me some giggles. Those certainly look like some workin hands lol. 

 

As per @Avacado mention, if you are ever interested in product reviews, feel free to reach out 🙂

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@ENTERPRISEI feel this should be moved to the new Amateur Reviews section too, no? 😄 

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10 hours ago, pioneerisloud said:

@ENTERPRISEI feel this should be moved to the new Amateur Reviews section too, no? 😄 

Ahh yes, forgot about this one. Thanks!

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